apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
