her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
