The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
