that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
