I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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