As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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