my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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