i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
