So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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