And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
