The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
