Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My dick has a subreddit
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
