I faked an abortion last night.
Duck Duck Cougar?
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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