I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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