Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
