She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
