I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
