She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
