My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
