awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
