I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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