so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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