I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
