omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
