i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
