So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
