I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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