I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
