At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
