Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
