Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
