my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
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I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
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I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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