dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
