Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
