She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
