My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My pussy is not your playground.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
