I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
