I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
