Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
