ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
