Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
