I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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