my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
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After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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