so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
where are my pants?
in the oven.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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