Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
