I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
