Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
