Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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