Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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