My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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