Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
