The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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