She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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