I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
