Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
