Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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