you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
The struggles of a small town man whore
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
